Okay, so it’s been a week since the last blog, which has raised a few eyebrows, and raised a few questions:
“Was changing Melody’s nappy that bad?”
“What were you smoking when you wrote that blog?”
“Who the feth are you?”
“No, seriously, who the fething hell are you?”
Stuff like that.
Anyways, it’s been over a week since the infamous Battle of the Poop. So, yesterday the nurses had me doing the same thing, full cares, with my wife expressing behind me. I swear since last week the nurses have all started chomping cigars just to shit me up! So, my hands shaking like a blancmange in an earthquake, I dove in. The day before, she had had a blood transfusion, which naturally meant that that day was the day she was epically hyper.
I managed to get through the bed bath easily enough.
And then onto the nappy. I took the dirty one off, wiped her, and she pooped again. Got the second one on, and she pooped loads, all yellow and radioactive.
And thus began the latest episode madness.
I turned my head because my wife had chuckled at the sheer amount of poop. When I looked back, she had gone. There was a rustling sound and I looked at the top of the incubator to see her on all fours UPSIDE DOWN and wearing a Spider-man costume (although somehow she was wearing a nappy at the same time that I hadn’t put on her).
“Uh-oh,” I said.
She nodded at me and then extended her arm out, putting the two middle fingers into her palm.
Spider stuff hit me in the face, and she was swinging away, and out of the incubator, slinging strings of web across the big room.
“Come back dammit,” I shouted. Spider-Melody stopped and turned, and put her hand out again.
I fell back against the incubator, trying to scrape the web off my face. When I did, Special Care had been replaced by a New York skyline.
The web was slinging all around me as the nurses (curiously dressed in full NYPD uniforms) tried to grab Spider-Melody as she swung around the room. I looked down and realised I too was wearing a Captain’s uniform of New York’s Finest.
“Get after her dammit,” I shouted. “She’s making us look like idiots.”
The nurses all looked at me like I was mad, and I realised Melody (not Spider-Melody) was still in her incubator and looking at me with a little mischief in her tiny eyes. My wife was shaking her head.
I swear, though, whenever the nurses change her bedding, I can see a little bright red and blue outfit under the sheets…